My life over the last two years hasn’t just been a country-western song. It’s been the whole dang CD.

Let’s recap, shall we?

• Mother breaks hip
• I quit job to take care of mother
• Mother’s breast cancer returns
• I take care of mother w/ stage 4 cancer and broken hip
• Marriage disintegrates
• Mother dies
• I bury mother and comfort distraught Lollypop
• Health goes south
• Money dries up
• Ex’s money dries up after job goes away
• Health goes WAY south
• I have to quit being a lawyer
• Ex-clients don’t like that I have to quit being a lawyer and complain
• And now bar is trying to take away the license I tried to give back two months ago

Every single one of the top four life stressors — divorce, death, job loss, and personal serious illness — I’ve experienced at least once in the last two years.

NB: I normally avoid Litanizing — you know, the all-too-human habit of making a ritualistic list out of one’s woes — like the plague. I mean, who wouldn’t get bummed out after writing or reading a list like that? But I’ll make an exception just for you beautiful people.

And yet … and yet … OK, I’m going to write this, and it’s going to sound a little insane, and you may very well allow yourself to roll your eyes just a little, and that’s OK, because I know it sounds a little insane, so here it goes:

And yet, I’ve never been happier.

(Yes, I take medication for pain but I swear, this isn’t the drugs talking.)

I’m happy because I see before me, not what I’ve lost, but all that I’ve gained and held on to. The love of my daughter, my raging curiosity, my intellect, and most of all – my optimism.

I’m happy because in the crucible of adversity, I found truth. I found my truth, to be specific, because we all know there are lots of truths out there. I found the truth that I needed to honor: the truth of my nature as a writer, not a lawyer. The truth that I had made an honest mistake in deciding to go to law school to begin with, because I’d been burned pretty badly by life’s little tragedies and needed to feel safe. The truth, basically, of who I am, where I am, and how I got here. Clarity, let’s call it.

I’m happy because finally I get it: my circumstances and how I react to those circumstances are two very different things. How I choose to respond — whether I allow myself to wallow for a short time, or a long time, or not at all; whether I tell myself Bad Things or Good Things in that constantly-running Inner Monologue we all perform when things get hairy; whether and how often I remind myself to breathe and to stay on task; whether I focus on the problem, the solution, or the process — all of these things? They’re choices. And which choice I make will determine how I feel. Best of all? They’re choices that are completely within my purview — my realm of influence, if you will — and no one else’s.

I’m happy because what I learned from adversity? That can never be taken away from me. Those skills, that knowledge, this perspective — they’re all mine, and they’ll get me through anything life cares to throw my way.

Life will continue to throw tomatoes on occasion, just as she throws roses on occasion. But adversity taught me how to make a hell of a spaghetti sauce, so it’s all good.

This is my entry in Robert Hruzak’s “What I Learned From … Adversity” writing exercise. If you want to participate, better hurry on over to Middle Zone Musings, Robert’s most excellent blog, for details because today’s the deadline.